Off-Peak Single

It's nature or science or something that when a boy sees a pretty girl his heart is like FUCK. Nature and science are both extra potent when you're single.

I had an hour to kill before my train back home, so I decided to take a stroll around Edinburgh Waverley. As I passed the window of Cafe Nero, a beautiful girl smiled out at me from her seat, her fingers wrapped around a mug of funny looking tea.

My heart went FUCK. My brain went YOU'VE GOT AN HOUR TO KILL GO IN AND GET A DRINK MAYBE SHE'LL MARRY YOU IF YOU GET A FRAPPE CREME. But I'd already walked past the window, and the door to the cafe was long gone; that was ancient history, that ship had sailed. How could I execute a flawless turnaround without looking like a damned fool? But life threw me a spongy orange safety ring - you know, those ones you get on boats? A cash machine lay just up ahead! Not one to ignore a sign from Satan, like a flash, I waddled to the cashhole and stuffed my card into its slippery goodness, just like a real person would do. Acting casual, like I was just your ordinary run of the mill card handler, I checked my balance, using all my residual acting talent to fake an interested expression. Things took a turn when I accidentally hit withdraw - Mary Mother of God this wasn't part of the plan. Had I blown my cover? I could feel the people around me stop in their tracks. One particular old woman raised her pointed finger at me and let forth a hideous alien shriek. But I cancelled the transaction and the world was set right again. Seamless, motherfucker. Now that everybody thought I had come this way just to check my balance, I could turn back and get to what, as far as they knew, had been my plan all along. I hoofed the door to Cafe Nero open - it flew off its hinges and shattered into sparkling shards against the sandwich cabinet. I took the slab of Tarmac out my bag that I always keep on my person for situations such as this, slamming it down on the counter.

"A pint of tea please," I bellowed, "and one for the road." Pretty-Girl, who will henceforth be referred to as PG dropped her tea in sheer amazement. In one fluid motion she was out her chair and on me like a fly on Sam Smith's debut album.

Except that bit was a daydream. In reality, I quickly parked myself at the end of the queue and observed the menu board above. How the fuck was I supposed to play this one? I longingly eyed up the frappe milkshake board. Some of them had whipped cream and chocolate flakes and sprinkles. They were like a party in a cup. One of those parties where you all inhale helium and put a hat on a dog. But not a sophisticated drink. "Mum, how did you meet Dad?" "Well, I saw him trying to use a coffee stirrer to get the whipped cream from his Grande Frappe out the gap in his teeth." It just doesn't happen. I gotta think outside the box here. The Rabbis in front of me had already finished their order. Fuck, I was up to bat.

"What can I get you?"

"Tea, please!" Playing it safe.

"English Breakfast?"

"Pardon?"

"Do you want English Breakfast?"

"No, just the tea, thanks."

"Yeah, what type?"

"What types are there?"

"Uhh... English Breakfast, Earl Grey, Green Tea, Chai Tea..."

"English Breakfast, please."

"Milk on the side?"

"Um..."

She looked at me with the kind of look you give a cat that's just shat out a mouse.

"Yes."

Seamless, you shit. Across from PG was a little single table with a chair facing her direction. I parked myself there with my tray, upon which was my tea and all the other bullshit they give you to make you do all the work. PG had her earphones in, still clutching her tea like I wish she would me. While she was distracted with her music, I got to work on that fucking tea procedure bullshit all you cunts go through every day. Adding the milk while pressing the bag while stirring in the sugar like a fucking octopus radio DJ. Just as I finished, PG looked up and threw me a small smile. OW FUCK. JESUS. Take a sip of the tea, Joe. Do it for the grandkids.

*sip*

Now that my oesophagus was peeling away from itself in chunks, I had time to reflect. In a hurtling wave of realisation, I remembered why I didn't drink tea anymore. It's fucking rank. Unless you're in the right mood. Unless it's brewed just how you like. Maybe my tastebuds are just late bloomers, but unless I ensure the ratio of tea:sugar is a decent 30:70, tea pretty much makes me want to wretch. But luckily I remembered: girls hate that! I held everything down until the tea sludge had slithered to a rest in my stomach. I took another sip, and another, and another. My mug was nearly empty. My body was struggling to take anymore of this Guantanamo-worthy torture porn. I risked a glance at PG to see what she thought about my sacrifice. Something was wrong. She frowned down at her phone. The announcer woman said something about a train leaving in ten minutes. PG had heard enough. She whisked all her belongings up and was out the door. As she breezed past me in a flurry of butterflies and perfume, I heard the dying screams of our never-were children and grandchildren as their very existence was being torn from them and the world around them that never existed faded to dust.

Anyway, this is why I'm single.

Jurassic Classics

I've never done a movie review on my blog. I've mentioned movies A LOT but never reviewed any. So fuck it, ya know?

I went to see Jurassic World, and I absolutely loved it. Which is odd because I sort of went into it expecting to be disappointed. It's far from being a perfect movie: the characters are cliche, the writing is awkward and all in all it's basically your average summer blockbuster. I'm certain that if this was unattached to the Jurassic Park franchise, it would be swept under the carpet. But like it or not, it is a new Jurassic Park film.

I don't think I quite realised until I began hearing rumours about the new movie, just how big an impression Jurassic Park left on me as a child. For as long as I can remember, every Sunday we would go to my Granny's house for breakfast. After we'd eaten, the grown ups would usually get into long, deep conversations which were painfully dull to a child with as short an attention span as I had. I would always end up routing through my Granny's DVD collection and one day found Jurassic Park. The rest is your fairly typical Jurassic Park fan story: my jaw hung open when you first see the Brachiosaurus and it didn't really close again until the credits rolled. Like seemingly every child who sees Jurassic Park, I became obsessed with dinosaurs. Then every Sunday breakfast I would demand to watch Jurassic Park again and again and again. In a way, it's sort of the perfect movie. Gorgeous to look at, a great story, a great message, a phenomenal cast. It's full of iconic moments and music. Not only all of that, but it totally and completely sent a thunderous ripple through the plastic water cup of cinema. Jurassic Park was also the first time I ever found an interest in how a movie was made: the DVD was packed with behind the scenes features about the effects, the puppets, the music and everything necessary to make dinosaurs come to life.

That's not the exact documentary but it was that footage and it blew my tiny mind. I totally believe that Jurassic Park was what sparked my passion for movies and television. This does however mean that sometimes it's hard for me to just watch a movie; I can't see it as a story, but as all the components that go into making it. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, it's just another way of appreciating a work of art. Like most memories, the most powerful thing I link to movies is the feelings I get from watching them for the first time. When I watch Jurassic Park, I get goosebumps - every time! - when the T-rex steps out it's paddock and roars. It's those feelings that I think make movies stand the test of time.

The long winded point I'm trying to make is that when I watched Jurassic World, for the first time in a while, I forgot I was watching a movie and I was back to sitting in my Granny's living room, excitement bubbling out every pore of my body. IT'S FUCKING JURASSIC PARK, MAN. That's what I'm trying to say. Sometimes a movie comes along where you have to forgive its flaws and just accept it and love it because it means something to you, and Jurassic World is most certainly that. I could write a long post about how it didn't come close to capturing the magic of the original, which it obviously didn't, but I'm not going to. Because I can't. I'm too happy with the movie. It was just what I wanted. I was ready to punch the air when T-Rex and the raptor (Blue?) double-teamed Indominus Rex. Even when there were unbelieveable, nature-defying moments, I just lovingly rolled my eyes like when you watch your drunk friend vomits up chicken nuggets on a night out. If I had to pick the worst problem with it, it would be a problem that isn't specific to Jurassic Park, but to all CGI-heavy modern movies. There's something about the CGI things move on screen that isn't realistic. That may sound stupid, especially in a movie about dinosaurs, but it's almost like the physical movements are exaggerated, like in a cartoon. I spent a lot of time looking at the screen thinking "it wouldn't move like that". I'm sure they did a lot of research, but something was off. I thought at first that it was just because we don't know how dinosaurs would exactly move, but at the very start of the film there is a close up of a bird and it's very obviously CGI. I also came to the conclusion that we're just still in an age where we haven't fully blurred the lines between computer generated effects and practical. However in recent movies that seems mostly down to the movements. I was trying to wrack my brains for an example of CGI that I think is animated perfectly and seems the most realistically. I couldn't think of anything, until it hit me. It had been in front of my nose the whole time!

One of the most perfect CGI moments in cinema history, right here in our very own Jurassic Park. I think it was down a lot of things, like Phil Tippett being the effects supervisor who was practised in the intricacies of stop-motion and was able to transfer all those subtle movements into the 3D models. I read somewhere in a thread asking why older CGI like this looks more believable that modern films. The explanation was that CGI was more of a luxury back then because it was new and required specialists and a whole team to get right. Today CGI is more accessible and can be made quicker and with fewer people. With films like Jurassic Park, it was worked on so hard that it had to be perfect - and it bloody was. That was the explanation as I remember it, anyway. It may not be accurate, but hey, it's the internet.

The thing that also hit me deep was leaving the cinema after seeing Jurassic World. I quickly nipped to the bathroom to take care of the inevitable result of my oversized Diet Coke. As I was leaving, a group of wee boys - maybe 9 or 10 years old - were walking in front of me. They'd clearly just been in the same showing of Jurassic World as I was, and were in deep, excited argument about the finale three-way fight. They were talking about their favourite dinosaurs and roaring and stampeding around and I just watched and smiled to myself. Maybe Jurassic World will be to them what Jurassic Park was to me. Perhaps 20 years down the line, a film will be released (maybe even a new Jurassic Park (maybe I'll even be the one making it... (that would be sweet))) that will remind them of being 10 years old, sitting in the cinema watching a tyrannosaurus rex and a velociraptor fight an Indominus Rex.

Stranger things have happened, right kids?