Things To Do In A Heatwave

As a race of typically pale, heavy set individuals, when Scottish people get any hint of sunlight we tend to go a bit mental. I've witnessed local people don a sunhat and a fine pair of khaki shorts the second the temperature peaks above zero and slap themselves down onto a beach towel underneath the grizzly grey clouds. We take what we can get, I suppose. But what we're experiencing at the moment is more than a hint, more than decent weather, more than "ooh, it's fairly mild today" whatever that means. This is a full on fuck-off heatwave. The beaches are packed, the usually black sea is a sexy, tropical turquoise, even the high street is full to the brim of happy people shifting uneasily in the sunlight. We don't really know what it feels like, you see. It's like trying on a new pair of jeans. We can't understand how sunlight can come from above without being cold and a liquid. As always there is the initial few days of sheer chaos and confusion as people wonder what the hell we did right to deserve this gift. It's in this period where I go through such things as coming out my heavily air-conditioned workplace into what is supposed to be the chilly Scottish night and wondering at what point I accidentally boarded a plane to fucking Portugal. I really shouldn't complain, because the weather is gorgeous when you're out about, frolicking with your loved ones. The times when it's more of a curse are times like now, when I'm typing these very words as fast as I can before my laptop becomes a liquid. The heat is filling the room like a just-cooked custard. Whenever I make to stand up, my body becomes like a plastic bag someone has filled with old gravy. As soon as the very thought of moving in some way or another, my body just sinks further and I slowly become more integrated with the couch. I am now 67% sofa. I am now on sale at DFS.

People react to this weather in different ways. The majority of people just want to be outside in some form, whether it's rolling around in the sand of the beaches, or having a barbeque with your friends, or just standing outside licking a lamppost to taste to heat. But with our brains subjected to temperatures unnatural for us, it's easy for our circuits to get a little fried.

Eventually, it comes to a point when the heat gets too much for people and we start complaining. Everything is sticky, there's fungus growing in your eyelids and your living room has its own ecosystem. You just try to make do until it passes and normality is returned. This blog is intended for that latter end of the summer when everything is too perfect to be enjoyable and you're at your wits end. Here's some things to keep you busy and to make the best of the situation. Here's some fun things, YOU can do at home with your very own summer heat wave.

First of all, why not fry an egg on your face?

The food will give you sustenance and with all that heat coursing through your body, you might as well channel it into cooking something delicious for your friends. With this trendy egg on your face, you'll be the talk of summer while looking undeniably fetch. Gretchen, stop trying to make fetch happen.

Bored AND lonely this summer? Why not make another you with all your skin peelings?

Summer sure can drag on if you're as lonely as I am. But who needs friends with this handy, Fully Qualified Cyber-Nerd approved technique? Simply shed your peeling sunburn into a brand new you. You'll have endless fun playing with yourself. Playing with yourself all fucking night long.

As if that wasn't good enough, with all this heat you can now pretend you're in a foreign country where bull fighting isn't just not frowned upon - IT'S MANDATORY!

**DISCLAIMER: Despite the lack of a bull, a tortoise is not a suitable replacement.

Finally, if all those things still haven't done it for you, and you just don't know what to do with all this heat, why not make a sacrifice to Helios - God of the Sun? He always loves a chat and a dead lamb.

Maybe with enough sacrificial blood squirted in the right direction, we can get back to a steady temperature and I can sleep better. If you're into that kind of thing, however. Maybe you just wanna have a Calippo and ride this heatwave like a brain damaged cowboy. This might be the only summer we get this year and before we know it, everything will be back to the way it's supposed to be.